Keep Running

It finally got to me. This morning while I was running on a treadmill watching the SLC marathon, marathons always make me emotional (probably mostly because I'm weird..and have an emotional tie to running), it hit me really hard and I had to work for several minutes to fight back tears.

As someone who runs races sometimes, I couldn't help but think; of the training leading up to a marathon, the excitement and fulfillment of finishing, the nervousness at the starting line and my family (including my 8 year old son) waiting to cheer me on at the finish line...

It is incomprehensible how it would feel to go through all of that and have it end the way it did in Boston on Monday. It takes an amazing high, and kills it.

When I got home Monday night and was explaining to my kids what had happened, my sweet 8 year old says, "I guess you can't run anymore races mom." (He's extremely protective) The response to that, is this: If I don't run anymore races terror wins. I lose all that running does for me. I respond to their actions in fear. Based on my understanding, that's what they want. To control people with fear. So, to my sweet Magoo I have to say. "Bud that's why we keep running."

My heart and prayers go out to those affected by this tragedy. All I can say though, is keep running. That's what I'm going to do.

What else?

Tonight my heart is so heavy I wonder if I'll be able to keep carrying it around with me...

My baby girl (well, teenager..) has decided she would rather live with her father.

My heart is breaking and I miss her already.

I am afraid for her. I don't think she really understands all the consequences of the choice/choices she is making.

That saying about choosing to have children is choosing to have your heart walk around outside your body feels so true. And 14 is too soon to have it walking so far away.

I love my McKenzie and hope this choice will help her on her way and teach her the things she needs to learn without too much heartache, pain or any devastatingly permanent consequences.

What else can a mom do?

Productive day! Yay me!

Yesterday I managed to run 3 miles (half marathon training),
 eat a healthy breakfast,

 take a shower and get dressed (in something besides sweats),
 renew the registration on the Traverse,
 eat a healthy lunch,
meet a friend and take the kids for ice cream and an indoor exercise session at good old Mickey D's (quite the flashback to 8 years ago when I was a stay-at-home mom with 4 small children and did that much more frequently),

clean up the remainder of "stuff" from last weeks intervention and took it to storage,
 pick up the elk meat from the processor,
 make a healthy dinner,
 play a game with the kiddos

then read the first chapter of the first Harry Potter out loud to them.

All without eating one single sweet.

It's kind of a miracle. Just thought I'd share. :)

Change is POSSIBLE and OPTIONAL

Here's the thing:

There are lots of things in life I can control.

There are also lots of things in life that I can't control at all. No matter how hard I try.

I can control what I think and how I act. I can't necessarily "control" how I feel, but I can control the thoughts that lead to those feelings.

I cannot control sickness but I can choose to live healthy.

I cannot control how other people feel or act or what they choose but I can control how I react and deal with decisions by others that affect me. I can control/choose my attitude.

This all sounds pretty simple. It's not. It's extremely hard. Even if I can see the problem. I still struggle in changing my nature enough to fix it. Changing the thought processes and behaviors that I've had for so long they really are automatic.

Change is important, for many reasons. It could be for your happiness. It could be for your health. It could be for your kids. It could be for your parents. It could be for your financial security.

Just because we can (or want to, or need to) change doesn't mean we will. It doesn't happen automatically.

I can't control if those I love or who have influence on me/in my life change in ways they want or need to.

But I can control me. So that's what I'll do. Make my changes and be there to encourage (not discourage by being negative).

That's it. That's all I've got.

Perfect! So far..

In an attempt to adjust my perspective and be more realistic (give myself a break), I've decided that celebrating the little things will be key.

For example, I have gone to the gym/worked out EVERYDAY this year! WOOHOO!! PARTAY!! (Yes, that is a total of 2 days. Which is not even considered a habit yet however, it's pretty dang good when I haven't been for weeks with all the holiday fuss. Or maybe it's pretty good just because I have a full-time job and 6 kids.. hmmm...

If I can make it 3 today (which I plan to, I've got a half marathon to train for after all), there will be even greater cause for celebration since at this point my poor recently inactive muscles hate my guts and make me look very silly when I try to do anything other than sit still..

So, with all of the things that used to *wink* drive me nuts because they aren't exactly the way I want them or think they should be. I'm going to take a step back, let go of the things I just can't do/keep up with and be really happy/excited when I do succeed. Even if it's just a little. :)

Good enough.

Made it through Christmas. Even the Emery family Christmas Eve tradition of sharing what we are grateful for this year. Always emotional because let's face it, we're a bunch of babies anyway. This year was especially tough. Not tough to find things to be thankful for but but because there is still so much even with our current trial. Boobfest 2012.

I made it through my first Christmas Eve/morning in 14 years without my kiddos. *phewf* Finished the home-crafted gifts by the skin of my teeth (No, really. I was actually walking out the door and getting them done)

There were no ER or doctor visits. No car accidents despite driving in the crazy snow. We got to spend time with a lot of family. Many that we don't see too often. :)No tears or terribly disappointed kids. Some were actually REALLY excited. *win*

Justin Bieber!!!!

Drew Brees!

I won't count it as a total success considering my neighbor gifts are still sitting at my house (early start for next year, right?) which isn't spotless. But it was good enough. 

I'm learning that Good enough is good enough. Perfect is impossible.

Sleepless in South Jordan

Ever wake up and can't fall back to sleep because your brain won't be quiet?
The question is: At 3:50am do I get up and get some stuff done? Or try to force myself back to sleep??